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Booshian English: The President's literary preparation for the State of the Union

January 31, 2006

I didn't watch the coronation yesterday, but I saw the triumphal speech afterwards. One couldn't miss the plaudits from the crowds of adoring admirers so jubilant over their seizure of the Judiciary. Unfortunately, the literary flourishes evinced by Supreme Leader and Commander in Chief were based on preparation materials consisting of See Dick and Jane Run, Orwell's 1984, Machiavelli, The Island of Dr. Moreaux, and X-Men comic books.

    Quick summary notes:
  • We're winning in Iraq
  • Soldiers are brave and make me look strong
  • Terrism and Freedomism
  • Don't forget the difference between helpful criticism and defeatist criticism.
  • The economy is doing great
  • Spying is good
  • Isolationism is bad, terrorism is bad. Freedom on the march is good.
  • Immigration isn't bad, so stop saying it is, Lou Dobbs.
  • Make the tax cuts permanent because those deficits make us rich.
  • Earmark reform = line-item veto
  • Social Security is gonna kill us. Entitlements are bad. I'm gonna create a bi-partisan Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid Commission (bi-partisan = Joe Lieberman)
  • Trade is good. It's gooder than good. 
  • We need stronger border protection but send us some Mexican guest workers.
  • Health care is 'spensive. We're gonna use more technology, expand health savings accounts, add portability enhancements, and outlaw malpractice lawsuits.
  • We've increase work on alternative fuels by cutting the funding, now we're gonna burn more coal and use nucular energy.
  • I óż New Orleans and I we gave them lots of money they haven't actually received yet.
  • Better edumacation. Introducing the American Competitiveness Initiative. Nanotech, supercomputing, "alternative fuels" (see above): throw money at industries in those areas by giving 'em tax cuts.
  • Is our children learning? Math is good, even if I don't know the difference between a debit and a credit.
  • For the hell of it, I'll lie about some statistics, like falling abortion and teenage pregnancy rates.
  • Bad ethics are bad and activist judges' gay marriages just as bad.
  • We got us a Supreme Court and I'm gonna keep sending you wingnuts. Wave at Sandra Day O'Connor. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, hon.
  • Help me stop cloning, experimentering on human embryos and stop the creation of human animal hybrids (you can't make this stuff up! They gave him comic books to keep him busy. X-Men or the Island of Dr. Moreaux?)
  • Good ethics are good. I like that.
  • Laura likes children and I'm putting her in charge of them.
  • AIDS are bad and black people have more of that.
  • We're gonna give freedom a happy ending.

I swear, that's a straight up summary of the speech. I took notes while the man was speaking. I got it on the DVR if you want me to play it back.

Wait, I have an audio clip. Now, I admit, I clipped the first two abuses he mentions, human cloning and experimenting on embryos. But still, he said human animal hybrids was a serious problem. I take that to mean he's got a team of scientists developing human animal hybrids. You know, like when he explained in 2004 that "nothing has changed" regarding wiretaps: still gotta get a court order. Yup. See what I mean?

The Orwell and Dick and Jane influences were revealed during early part of the speech when we learned from Perfesser Bush that everything's coming up roses, even if it's hard work. Short, sharp declarative sentences, each with a noughat of blue cheese: a moldy old repackaged lie.

To hear Bush speak of freedom, puppies and Martin Luther King is beyond Orwell, however. That's just pure deep evil. Macchiavelli blushed and Karl Rove popped a boner. The proposals were all phrased in much sugary language, but they kept coming with poison pills and false equivalencies: ethics problems and activist judges, forging ahead into new technologies by cutting corporate taxes (read $$$ campaign contributions $$$), "alternative" (nuclear and coal) power. Notice how we're going to throw money at the coal industry, just after those fatal mine accidents? Shut up money?

I do have to give him credit for the clever dodge on sneaking in the line-item veto chestnut by tying it to earmark reform. Ho! So he can chose whose pork stays and who's has to go because he was a defeatist critic (or because he won't vote for the President's latest proposal for universal spinal implants.) OK, he didn't propose spinal implants. But you get the idea.

Overall, the speech offered no bold new ideas and much of it was defensive on the issues we're accustomed to the middle-aged Boy King being defensive about. It wasn't even the speech we were promised. It was billed as focusing on health care and not having mentions of ethics problems or domestic spying. In practice, there were longer segments on the War on Terra and domestic spying than the single sentence mentioning health savings accounts. And for all the talk of freedom in the speech, a counter-example from the real world intervenes: Cindy Sheehan was arrested for wearing a t-shirt with an anti-war message.